The Legend of Bosworth

Brian Bosworth' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Brian Bosworth counted to infinity - twice.

Brian Bosworth does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Brian Bosworth goes killing.

If you can see Brian Bosworth, he can see you. If you can't see Brian Bosworth you may be only seconds away from death.

Brian Bosworth sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Bosworth sacked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Brian Bosworth.
Brian Bosworth built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Brian Bosworth met all three bullets with his Boz-cut, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Brian Bosworth has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
They once made a Brian Bosworth toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
A blind man once stepped on Brian Bosworth' shoe. Bosworth replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Brian Bosworth!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal sack delivered by Brian Bosworth.

Brian Bosworth is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

There is no chin behind Brian Bosworth's Boz-cut. There is only another fist.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Brian Bosworth, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

The chief export of Brian Bosworth is pain.

Brian Bosworth is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Brian Bosworth out. It failed miserably.

Crop circles are Brian Bosworth' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

Brian Bosworth once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift tackle to the face. In fact, there are none."

Brian Bosworth once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.

Brian Bosworth is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

Brian Bosworth is a man of few words. Brian Bosworth is not a man of few sacks to the face.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Brian Bosworth's nutsack.

Brian Bosworth put humpty dumpty back together again, only to tackle him in the face. Later Bosworth dined on scrambled eggs with all the king's horses and all the king's men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsy revealed the cause of death to be a tackle to the face. There is only one King.

When Brian Bosworth played golf for money, Bosworth marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Bosworth: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Brian Bosworth turned towards the man and said, im Brian Bosworth, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting sacked by Brian Bosworth, Brian Bosworth sacked him in the face anyways.

Brian Bosworth made Ellen Degeneres straight.

Brian Bosworth' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord

Brian Bosworth knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Brian Bosworth sacked him across the face several times

China was once bordering the United States, until Brian Bosworth sacked it all the way through the Earth.

Brian Bosworth is what Willis was talking about

If you have five dollars and Brian Bosworth has five dollars, Brian Bosworth has more money than you.

Brian Bosworth sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Brian Bosworth and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.

When Brian Bosworth had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

Brian Bosworth once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.

Brian Bosworth once kicked a baby elephant into puberty

Multiple people have died from Brian Bosworth giving them the finger.

Brian Bosworth once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Brian Bosworth got an award for masturbating in public.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Brian Bosworth. Bosworth showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

If Brian Bosworth is late, time better slow the fuck down

Brian Bosworth sleeps with a night light. Not because Brian Bosworth is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Brian Bosworth

Brian Bosworth can touch MC Hammer.

Brian Bosworth ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Brian Bosworth always has sex on the first date. Always.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Brian Bosworth and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Brian Bosworth frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

There is no such thing as tornados. Brian Bosworth just hates trailer parks.

Brian Bosworth never cries, because of this when he's sad he sacks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the sack.

Brian Bosworth does not procreate, he breeds

When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Brian Bosworth responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"

Brian Bosworth' evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Bosworth with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair, Brian Bosworth became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk.

Brian Bosworth doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Bosworth tells it to.

Brian Bosworth only masturbates to pictures of Brian Bosworth.

Filming on location for Stone Cold, Brian Bosworth brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged Boz-cut rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Brian Bosworth sacked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Bosworth giveth, and the good Bosworth, he taketh away.

Brian Bosworth was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “Boz-cut”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Bosworth omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of tackle related deaths.

Brian Bosworth used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Brian Bosworth,” and sacked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Brian Bosworth.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Brian Bosworth plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Brian Bosworth.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Brian Bosworth, who gave them a tackle to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Brian Bosworth.

God offered Brian Bosworth the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength sack ability.

When Brian Bosworth was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he sacked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Brian Bosworth drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck’s quack does not echo. Brian Bosworth is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Brian Bosworth once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Bosworth lost, he won in life by tackleing Kasparov in the side of the face.

Brian Bosworth’s tackle is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Brian Bosworth doesn’t believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Brian Bosworth’s enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Brian Bosworth has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Brian Bosworth doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Brian Bosworth.

Brian Bosworth eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Ironically, Brian Bosworth’s hidden talent is invisibility.

Brian Bosworth owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.

Brian Bosworth invented water.

Brian Bosworth invented a language that incorporates karate and sacks. So next time Brian Bosworth is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Brian Bosworth went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour and a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Brian Bosworth yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Brian Bosworth accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Brian Bosworth is Luke Skywalker’s real father.

Contrary to popular belief, Brian Bosworth, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, Boz-cut, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Brian Bosworth does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Brian Bosworth sacked every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Brian Bosworth can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his sacks.

Brian Bosworth isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s shit.

Brian Bosworth doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full.

Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Brian Bosworth.

Brian Bosworth once threatened to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then sacked the reporter for even asking.

Brian Bosworth never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Bosworth”.

Playgirl magazine once asked Brian Bosworth to appear naked in an issue, Bosworth laughed at the opportunity saying “there isn’t enough paper in the world to contain my mulleted member”. He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.

Helen Keller’s favorite color is Brian Bosworth

Brian Bosworth once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.

When Brian Bosworth’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Bosworth said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a tackle to the face and said, “Never question Brian Bosworth.”

Brian Bosworth doesn’t have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Brian Bosworth jumps out.

On June 7th 1994, Brian Bosworth entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Bosworth to ravish her. After Bosworth finished his beer, he obliged her. When Bosworth's magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy's womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, "Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting splitopen by the Bosworth!?" All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. "I didn't fucking think so!" shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Bosworth's balls. Bosworth pulled out; sacked Cindy in the face and told her, "Don't ever waste my time again."

Brian Bosworth can piss into gale force winds.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Brian Bosworth.
Brian Bosworth won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Brian Bosworth once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Brian Bosworth re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was
a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Brian Bosworth got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Brian Bosworth for every answer.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Brian Bosworth to die before they attack.

Brian Bosworth once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Brian Bosworth. It was more "humane".

Brian Bosworth doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

Brian Bosworth once went to a frat party, and proceeded to sack every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shat on their floor, just because he's Brian Bosworth.

Brian Bosworth found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Stone Cold" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Bosworth having sex with Conan's wife.